10 Things I Learned at the Ranch

1. It's pretty even when it's ugly.
It may have rained most of the weekend Signal was out here, but that sure as hell didn't put a damper on the spirits.

2. When you think you've got too much to drink, you've got just enough.
Six cases of wine. Four cases of beer. 2 liters of bourbon. 1 fifth of scotch. Down the Signal hatch.

3. Shootin's in our blood.
Of all the activities Signal tried--riding, volleyball, pingpong, hiking, atving, etc--I'll be damned if everyone of us ain't a marksman with the shotgun. We killed those biodegradable pigeons good.

4. Even a cowboy can get too drunk for his own good.
The cowboy poet who came to entertain us may have once ridden bulls for a livin, but the martinis I made for him slurred his songs and scattered his poems. Bless you Gary. Hope you made it home safely.

5. Men and women alike know what to do with their meat.
Tony was given a grill and a pile of 20 NY Strips. He gave us back a platter of melt in your mouth steaks. Meg was given a pot, three kinds of meat, and her own spices. She served up the meanest chili you'll find. Tony Ingram and Meg Marra, ladies and gentlemen!

6. The finest cowboy in the state of Colorado goes by the name of Oak.
Oak Applegate, the ranch manager here, was given a tall task: teach the city folk the mountain. Most guys I've known would have laughed and laughed. Oak, on the other hand, simply had a blast. Good sir, if you're reading this, we have a favor to repay. You're welcome in Chicago anytime and we'll do our best to show you as good a time as you showed us.

7. Bears are afraid of yodeling.
Unbeknownst to us at the time, a bear decided to check our are Saturday night feast and entertainment (the aforementioned steaks and cowboy poet). Just as he was inchin up to the deck, Gary broke out into his yodeling and the bear took off, even tripping over the tent wire on his way to the brush. How do I know? The aforementioned Oak, who didn't say a word the whole time.

8. The sun burns.
If anyone got a chance to see many of the Signalites upon their return, well then, this speaks for itself.

9. There is such thing as a turkey whisperer.
It was my honor to witness a full conversation, including what looked like Sicilian hand gesturing, between the three young turkeys of the ranch and one Joseph Leland Stearns. I'd describe it to you if I could, but I'd be willing to guess what you're picturing is just about right.

10. A dog is still a dog.
Evidenced by one Wilamena Nelson Snoos killing one Turkey Tom Jr. today. It shall henceforth be called the bloodbath of 2010. Joe, my condolences. Please pour a sip on the concrete for your fallen homie tonite.