Turkey Day

Hi! I'm having an amazing time! Today, I played with my best friend, Rose, for a long time! Then she went away! Then I found a new friend! It was a turkey! We played and played! Then I ripped out his throat and started to eat him! I got in big trouble! My humans underestimated my animal instincts! Today was the best day ever!
Snarfle!

10 things I learned at the Aspen Food and Wine Festival

1. Relax your meat
This was said time and time again. Whether it's after you sear a steak or roast a chicken, let the thing relax, yo. It'll thank you in your mouth.

2. Bourbon doesn't have to be from Kentucky.
In one sitting, I tasted Kentucky bourbon, California bourbon, New York bourbon, and Colorado bourbon. That last one, made entirely of malt barley, was the bombshizznet. It'll accompany me to the desert tomorrow, but I'm afraid it might not make it out.

3. Never buy boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
It is the least flavorful part of the chicken, not to mention it's missing the skin and bones...otherwise known as the tasty goodness. I'll be roasting my chickens whole from here on out.

4. Never use olive oil when grillin steak.
It's got a low flash point and will burn quickly, leaving the meat bitter. Peanut or canola oil will do just fine. Courtesy of Tim Love from Forth Worth.

5. Wine is best considered a condiment.
Don't get me wrong, I'll still drink my sippin wines. However, when pairing a wine to your food, there's helluva lot to learn that'll blow your tastebuds out the back of your head.

6. Find your own wind.
Be geo-specific. Italian food tastes like the places it's cooked in. However, when making a dish, don't worry about getting the ingredients from the place the recipe was made in. Get them from your local farmers and make that dish taste like where your from. Courtesy of Mario Batali.

7. Mexican food is a symphony of flavors.
If you were to eat dinner cooked by a Mexican grandmother and told her that you loved the cinammon and garlic and cilantro of her dish, you'd be thrown out of the house. You're not supposed to be able to pick out the ingredients. Instead, they should all flow together and create a great symphony of flavor. Courtesy of Rick Bayless.

8. Whoever invented the garlic press was a genius. And a bastard.
It takes ten seconds to press the garlic and 74 years to pick all the shit out of it. Instead, just peel the clove and hammer it with the flat part of your knife. Garlic pressed. Courtesy of Michael Symon.

9. 'If you want to eat the cutting board, beat the shit out of your herbs.'
When cutting herbs, only do one pass. What your doing is releasing the oils and if you chop the hell out of them, as I have been doing for all of my cooking life, then your only seasoning the board. Courtesy of Michael Symon.

10. You can't escape the paparazzi.
Sure enough, they caught Brian and Anita in the tasting tent enjoying a miniature martini together. The next day, it was all over the Aspen Times.

10 Things I Learned (About Myself) at Food & Wine

#1 I like gin. A lot.

I attended Tony Abou-Ganin's "Gin Alley: Lost Cocktails of a Bygone Era" demo, where I learned how to make a Ramos Gin Fizz, a Corpse Survivor #2, an Aviation Casino Cocktail, and the Perfect Dry Martini, which Tony described as "Fred Astaire in a glass." At the tasting tent, I tried many a delicious gin cocktail, including the Norfolk Aviation, which is made with

lavender! Delicioso!

#2 Even when the person in action is a master chef who's been cooking for well over 50 years, I still get nervous about fingers & fast chopping.

#3 "Gluttony breeds innovation after all."

I made this comment to Aaron after figuring out a way to hold a wine glass, a couple of cocktail samples, and a plate food at the same time.

#4 It's fun to get your picture in the paper. Even if it's only because you happen to be drinking a very petite martini. Thanks Aspen Times!

#5 I just might adopt Jacques Pepin's food-ism: "Anything I like, I call a vegetable." There is nothing more endearing than a sweet sagacious Frenchman who also happens to be one of the world's best chefs.

#6 I no longer have any desire to go to Table fifty-two. I think it's great that Art Smith lost 100 pounds in a year, but his demo was very disappointing.

#7 As I left the tasting tent after consuming an uncountable number of calories in an hour and a half, it occurred to me that there might be such a thing as Too Much of a Good Thing. Maybe.

#8 I don't ever want to have cosmetic surgery. Even if I happen to be in a town where 80% of women appear to have had it multiple times.

#9 As gorgeous as Aspen is (and even more so when you are able to sample so many delectable eats and drinks), I still prefer the quiet beauty of Hanging Valley Ranch.

#10 If your future father-in-law accidentally walks in on you on the toilet, it is best to pretend that it never happened. And try to find a different way to say "Happy Father's Day" next year.

10 Things I Learned at the Ranch

1. It's pretty even when it's ugly.
It may have rained most of the weekend Signal was out here, but that sure as hell didn't put a damper on the spirits.

2. When you think you've got too much to drink, you've got just enough.
Six cases of wine. Four cases of beer. 2 liters of bourbon. 1 fifth of scotch. Down the Signal hatch.

3. Shootin's in our blood.
Of all the activities Signal tried--riding, volleyball, pingpong, hiking, atving, etc--I'll be damned if everyone of us ain't a marksman with the shotgun. We killed those biodegradable pigeons good.

4. Even a cowboy can get too drunk for his own good.
The cowboy poet who came to entertain us may have once ridden bulls for a livin, but the martinis I made for him slurred his songs and scattered his poems. Bless you Gary. Hope you made it home safely.

5. Men and women alike know what to do with their meat.
Tony was given a grill and a pile of 20 NY Strips. He gave us back a platter of melt in your mouth steaks. Meg was given a pot, three kinds of meat, and her own spices. She served up the meanest chili you'll find. Tony Ingram and Meg Marra, ladies and gentlemen!

6. The finest cowboy in the state of Colorado goes by the name of Oak.
Oak Applegate, the ranch manager here, was given a tall task: teach the city folk the mountain. Most guys I've known would have laughed and laughed. Oak, on the other hand, simply had a blast. Good sir, if you're reading this, we have a favor to repay. You're welcome in Chicago anytime and we'll do our best to show you as good a time as you showed us.

7. Bears are afraid of yodeling.
Unbeknownst to us at the time, a bear decided to check our are Saturday night feast and entertainment (the aforementioned steaks and cowboy poet). Just as he was inchin up to the deck, Gary broke out into his yodeling and the bear took off, even tripping over the tent wire on his way to the brush. How do I know? The aforementioned Oak, who didn't say a word the whole time.

8. The sun burns.
If anyone got a chance to see many of the Signalites upon their return, well then, this speaks for itself.

9. There is such thing as a turkey whisperer.
It was my honor to witness a full conversation, including what looked like Sicilian hand gesturing, between the three young turkeys of the ranch and one Joseph Leland Stearns. I'd describe it to you if I could, but I'd be willing to guess what you're picturing is just about right.

10. A dog is still a dog.
Evidenced by one Wilamena Nelson Snoos killing one Turkey Tom Jr. today. It shall henceforth be called the bloodbath of 2010. Joe, my condolences. Please pour a sip on the concrete for your fallen homie tonite.

5 Things I've Learned About Horses

#1 "The meek will inherit the earth, but they will not ride a horse."
(This advice was given to me by cowboy poet Gary McMahon after
I complained that the horse I'm riding always seems to want to go a
slightly different way from the others.)

#2 Just because a horse avoids a tree or a fence doesn't mean that your knee won't whack it.

#3 Don't try to put on a jacket while riding a horse.
(You have to introduce anything new to horses very carefully so that they don't get scared; it
is best to get off your horse, slowly show him/her the new object, and then proceed).

#4 It is better to ride the flatulent horse than to ride the horse behind him.

#5 Baby Icelandics are about the cutest thing I've ever seen!

The Signal Retreat

It's been almost a week since the last of the Signal family departed CO, but I wanted to say thank you to them (and of course the Snooks!) for an amazing retreat.

To sum up the experience...

brunch at Main St. Cafe, hiking, horseback riding, napping, reading in the sun, watching the "two-headed monster" goldens play, Mel's tilapia over spinach & veggies, beef tenderloin, steak (perfectly grilled by Tony), corn on the cob, peach crisp, fantastic wine, being saved from a bear by the yodeling of a cowboy poet, witnessing the brand-new enthusiasm of a two-week-old baby Icelandic, barn kitties, shooting skeet, ATVing through the hay fields, tenting it with Stony (for one night anyway!), campfires, s'mores, the brightest stars I've ever seen, a brief & rainy game of volleyball (thanks for humoring me y'all!), a delicious lobster dinner, group phone call to Vince, Philip's enchiladas, Meredith's beans, Janna's margaritas, archery, Snook's Crook's shrimp & grits, looking at wedding dresses online with my Signal ladies, Meg's chili & Stony's cornbread casserole, beef fajitas, Independence Pass, feeling my blood pressure raise at the Devil's Punchbowl...in the words of Miss Melanie Keller, "It wasn't awful!"